I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
