Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Randomize
