I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
