Dude my mom stole all your condoms
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
