There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
