can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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