so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
