That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
