Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
