Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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