I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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