everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
