there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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