Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
