I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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