wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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