the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
