I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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