he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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