Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
