Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
