the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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