my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
