Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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