you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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