i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
