please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
