got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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