I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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