it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
