I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
