I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
jump out the window naked night went bad
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
