So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
