How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
