does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
