Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
