i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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