Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
handjob tips. give me some.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
