i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
