I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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