my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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