he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
