Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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