I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
