But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
