I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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