Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
