I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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