theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
