if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
